Hello, Goodbye
by me11
Summary: Jess's thoughts on the last three years...takes place just before the Feb10 episode


Hello, Goodbye.  
  
A/N: This is just a (very) SHORT, one shot piece about what I think should happen on Feb10th episode. Contains some spoilers so don't read it if you don't want to know about the Jess/Rory stuff.  
  
From the very first time I ever stepped foot into this stupid little town, I hated it. Since the day I got off of that bus, saw my uncle standing there, and noticed the way the others looked at me, I hated it. When I met Lorelai Gilmore, and she raved to me about how wonderful uncle Luke was, I hated it. Then I saw Rory. And I still hated it.  
  
Even when Rory was nice to me, and managed to hold my interest for more than just a minute, I still hated that town. With its nosy, obnoxious, loud, ignorant townspeople, it's lack of decent music, and it's stupid festivals; Stars Hollow was pretty much what I imagined Hell to be. It was Pleasantville in colour. No matter how much I liked Rory Gilmore, and no matter how much I came to respect Luke, or how amusing I actually found Lorelai, I still longed for New York.  
  
I missed walking down a street filled with thousands upon thousands of people and not knowing any of them. I missed Central Park, the bookstores, the music, the constant street noises, the subways.the autonomy of a real city. Stars Hollow had none of those things, and despite the few aspects of that town that I enjoyed, I couldn't bring myself to be at home there.  
  
Some things helped though. Rory helped. When I was with her it was like someone finally forgot that I was some street punk with no direction and no ambition. I wish I could say that she was right, that she was the one who really understood me, but she wasn't. She had me all wrong; I was just a street punk with no direction and no ambition. But I liked her, and I loved that she believed in me even though she probably shouldn't have.  
  
When she got hurt, when I broke her . . . I broke her. The guilt I felt was unlike anything I'd ever had to deal with before. Not that I'd never felt guilty before, of course I had, but that was the first time that I really felt, really knew, that I'd hurt someone that had done absolutely nothing to deserve it. It was an accident, I never meant to hurt her, I liked her . . . but I didn't like the way I felt after, and I didn't like what Luke had to go through after. I thought that maybe if I left town, maybe I could get over that feeling. I wanted out anyways, and that just happened to be the perfect excuse.  
  
Even though he told me that I didn't have to go, uncle Luke let me get on the bus. I don't blame him. I'd been nothing but trouble for him since I came, and I think he was tired of trying to convince me that I could be better than what I was. I'm pretty sure that by that point he stopped believing it too. So I went back to New York, and I didn't say goodbye to Rory, I didn't check on her . . . I already knew she was okay.  
  
Of course this time, New York wasn't like I remembered it. The autonomy was almost too much, now I didn't recognize anything. The things I used to love there I now merely enjoyed, and the things about Stars Hollow (that I used to despise) I was now looking for in the city. That guilt that I felt over Rory didn't go away as quickly as I thought it would so I called her from the park. Not Central Park, I didn't like it there anymore . . . too big. I only talked to her for a minute, but she left me winded and feeling what others would describe as homesick.  
  
Liz was rarely around, she had a new boyfriend and some "great new job opportunity", and our apartment was a little too depressing even for me. I usually went to school on Fridays, to pick up assignments and find out what I should be doing had I actually been attending. Washington Square Park was where I spent my time now, because New York didn't have any bridges that I really liked. And that was where she found me. Wearing her Chilton uniform and her left arm in a cast. She didn't tell me why she was there and I really didn't care. Just seeing her made my guilt suddenly lift, she was obviously all right . . . but it bothered me that she wasn't in school. I don't know why it bothered me, because I wasn't in school either.  
  
Rory told me that Luke was all right, that he'd gone fishing, and I had to push away mental images of uncle Luke sitting in a boat and yelling at the damn fish to bite already. She was obviously a small town girl, because the subways amazed her, the record store intrigued her, and I seemed to entertain her. I liked her anyways. And when she left, and I asked why she'd even bothered to come, she told me that I'd never said goodbye. So I told her goodbye, but I didn't mean it; because even then I knew that I'd be going back. I didn't love Rory Gilmore, not yet, but I liked her enough to consider Stars Hollow one more time, and I didn't love New York like I used to.  
  
When I left a note for Liz two weeks later, after I'd finished finals, I didn't say goodbye to my mother either. Just a quick: "Gone back to Luke" with a small heart beside my name, because I loved my mother even though I didn't really like her. Uncle Luke had taken me back, which I knew that he would, because Luke was a good man. And he really did think that this time things would be different. I knew that they wouldn't be better, knew that I'd disappoint him again, but I didn't tell him that.  
  
Rory had been happy to see me, but not too happy. When I told her that she looked nice she looked around nervously, and I knew that Dean was still in the picture. But she kissed me anyways, and when she was running away she welcomed me home. Any doubts that I had about staying in Stars Hollow were long gone now. I thought that maybe she felt something for me, and once again I liked the idea. But two days later I heard that she'd gone to D.C. for the summer, some school project, and she hadn't said goodbye. If I were a different kind of guy I would have gone to see her there, like she'd gone to New York But I wasn't that kind of guy, and to be honest, I was kind of hurt that she just took off like that. I knew that I deserved no better, after the way that I'd left, but I couldn't help but resent her anyways, because I was only human.  
  
By the time she came back home, I'd already met Shane. She was everything that Rory wasn't: big city, blonde, easy . . . in more ways then one. Shane was new in town, she didn't even know who Rory was, didn't know Lorelai or Taylor or Miss Patty. She was just what I needed at the time. Shane was easy to please, and even though she annoyed the hell out of me, she kept me occupied for the summer.  
  
When Rory was gone Lorelai found out that I was back. She didn't come into the diner though, her and Luke weren't talking (which even I found stupid), but she managed to track me down anyways . . . it was a small town. She found me on the bridge, sans Shane (who I never brought there anyways) and flat out asked me what I was doing in town. She assumed that I'd come for Rory, and she was completely right, but I'd mouthed off and asked her if she saw Rory anywhere around here. She told me to stay away from her daughter, and when I didn't answer, her face softened a bit and she asked me to please stay away from Rory.  
  
I avoided Lorelai for the rest of the summer, not because I was afraid of her, but because looking at her made me think of Rory. Her hair, and her laugh, and her smile, and the constant presence of coffee made Lorelai's picture perfect face change into Rory's, and I hated it. When Rory finally did come home the first glance I got was her shocked face as Shane's mouth worked on my neck. Rory looked at me with, her eyes large with hurt and ran off quickly, Lazy Hazy Crazy Days playing in the background. All of the resentment I felt left quickly, I'd hurt her, and that darker side of my mind called us even.  
  
With Rory back Shane seemed to be less and less satisfying. I found myself making out with Shane for the soul purposes of making Rory jealous and for making Shane shut up. Though it had always bothered me, the amount of makeup that Shane wore was beginning to get to me, and she forever tasted of lip-gloss and foundation. So I got another job, at Wal-Mart, to pass the time and save up some money.  
  
And then Dean and Rory broke up. I was given the chance that I'd come here for in the first place; Rory couldn't make it work with Dean because she was into me. I was as close to elation as I'd ever be. Because a girl like her wanted me, she didn't think I would be bad for her, and she didn't seem to realize that I wasn't good enough for her. But everyone else did. Lorelai didn't hesitate in telling me so, and even uncle Luke warned me to watch my back. Family or not, no one could take priority of those Gilmore girls in my uncles eyes, certainly not me.  
  
As Rory and I got closer, and I was actually happy with her for sometime, Luke and I managed to actually grow even farther apart. I guess that some part of me resented that not even he trusted me enough to be with Rory, and I found myself spending less and less time at the diner. I went to work at Wal-Mart when I was supposed to be in school, so both her and Luke thought that I was going to my classes. Graduation loomed closer and closer and I honestly thought that I had everything under control. I was cocky and stupid, and I thought that I could get by like I did in New York. I went to school once a week and took the tests only, and I ignored the summonses form the principal and the guidance counselor.  
  
I was lazy and had no drive, but I really did want to be with Rory. The fact that I knew that I wasn't really good enough for her was starting to matter less and less. I figured that if Rory though I was good enough, then I must be. So when she started talking about prom I agreed that it might be okay to go. And though I grumbled and made a point of being sarcastic about it, I never actually planned to not go with her. Because she was Rory and she wanted to go with me, I was absolutely going to take her . . . tux and all.  
  
I didn't apply to any colleges, because I didn't want to go. Rory got accepted everywhere that she applied; Yale, Princeton and of course, Harvard. When she decided to go to Yale I found myself looking into how far it was from Stars Hollow, how long we'd have to drive back and forth, how many miles exactly. Rory seemed to find it cute. I don't know why, maybe I'm just a jerk, but I started to treat her differently . . . to the point that even I would have broken up with me. I didn't call when I said I would, and I didn't talk to her about anything unless she brought it up (and even then I didn't really talk to her, just said enough to placate her). I was beginning to treat her like Shane, and I didn't feel as bad as I would have liked. Maybe I was just taking her for granted, or maybe I was resentful that she got into all of those Ivy League schools, or maybe I just knew that she would be moving on soon . . . or maybe I'm just an ass. But either way I didn't like the way I was treating her, but yet I couldn't bring myself to stop.  
  
It wasn't that I didn't like Rory; it was just that now that I was with her I was beginning to see that she could do better than me. At the time I told myself that I was making it easier on her, because when we finally did break up she would already me angry with me, and it would all be easier. But for some reason she didn't break up with me. She kept on trying; she still chose to see the best in me. When she found out that I hadn't been going to school she tried to hide her disappointment, which was more than Luke did.  
  
I tried to keep my promise about the prom; I really did plan on taking her. But when I went to buy the tickets, they wouldn't let me. The cheerleader selling the tickets crossed my name off of a shorter, separate list than she had the couple in front of me. She drew a large black line through my name, and it made me look at the other names on my list. The three other guys on the list were not exactly academic geniuses, and I suppose that some part of me knew that my name being there was not a good sign, but I was still cocky and didn't care. The cheerleader (I think her name was Cindi . . .with an I) told me that I was supposed to go see the principal about something. I sneered and her and walked away, not missing the pitying gaze that blinked vapidly up at me.  
  
Of course I wasn't going to graduate. Anyone else would have known already, but I still seemed to think I was above petty things like worrying about my grades, or more accurately, my attendance. Apparently the school board had rules about how many days of classes you were allowed to miss, and I had far exceeded them. I'd ignored the efforts of the faculty, Luke's pestering, and Rory's confidence, and simply screwed my own chances. Summer school wasn't enough now, I would have to repeat the entire year. And I wasn't allowed to buy prom tickets.  
  
I couldn't bring myself to tell Rory. She was so excited and was thinking about dresses and limos, and I didn't want to disappoint her again. We went to some party, because Lane's band was playing. I kind of liked Lane, she had good taste, and her boyfriend was cool, so I went even though I didn't feel like doing anything besides drinking away my problems. Rory was great, she always was, seemed concerned for me, and supported the band and even made small talk with Dean's girlfriend. Suddenly I just couldn't deal with being around her, because she didn't understand how I was feeling and I wasn't willing to tell her.  
  
But she found me anyways, hidden away in one of the bedrooms upstairs. She knew I was upset and wanted to talk about it, but I didn't want to. I couldn't. So I kissed her instead, because in the past making out with my girlfriends seemed to get them to leave things be. I should have known that Rory wouldn't fall for that. She didn't want to and I tried to pretend that I hadn't heard her. So when she pushed me away and yelled that I was pushing too far, it was easiest to just yell at her. She didn't understand why I was angry, didn't realize that I wasn't mad at her; she just thought that I was pissed that she wouldn't sleep with me.  
  
She ran off and I called after her, told her that she didn't do anything wrong, but she was too hurt, and too upset and she seemed to find Dean right away. He took one look at her crying, and at me chasing after her from the bedrooms, and jumped to the most obvious conclusion.  
  
Once the dust had settled after the fight, Dean and I had trashed the house. Window was broken, living room upset, and my relationship with Rory was now in desperate need of life support. I wanted to make up with her, wanted to apologize and explain, and let her know that she didn't do anything wrong . . . but she never came to see me, and I couldn't seem to make myself go to her.  
  
I hid out at Luke's, working and pretending that I wanted to be there. I helped the customers that I disliked so much and that guy. That loser guy who only ordered coffee and had an attitude as bad as mine . . . and I didn't even realize that he was TOO much like me. Of course he ended up being my father. I was mad, about more things than I realized; mad that he came to Stars Hollow, mad that Luke didn't tell me, mad that I didn't even recognize him. I didn't like the guy, I resented him, because he was me, plus twenty years.  
  
Jimmy seemed to be getting his life together now, and he had felt some urge to see me, see what I had become. I was mad because I knew that I probably disappointed even him. Seeing him, talking to him, noticing how alike we were, made me hate myself as much as I did him. Because everything that he did, I'm doing right now. He treated Liz like crap, and I so do I. He was never there for the people that cared about him, and I was horrible to both Rory and Luke. He was a loser, a drop out, he couldn't take any responsibility, and he screwed up his entire life. And I was definitely my father's son.  
  
My girlfriend was going to Europe in three weeks, to Yale in three months, and I wasn't even able to take her to the prom. I'm not depressed, and I don't have self-destructive tendencies, but I knew that I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve the life that she and Luke were trying to give me, because I wasn't ready to take it. I wasn't ready to be a part of their world, because I was stuck in this one I made for myself. Luke was disappointed when I told him about school, and he offered me one more chance. But I wasn't going to go back to that school, and he wasn't going to let me waste everything: my life, his life, Rory's . . .  
  
Jimmy had offered me . . .something, which wasn't really what I wanted in life, but more that that he had offered me an out. I didn't delude myself into thinking that we could be a big happy family, and I didn't even want that. But Jimmy was what I wanted to be now, because he was me . . . and he could help me be different. I was angry him, because he abandoned me, but I wanted to go with him. Some part of me knew that if Jimmy and I could work things out, then I could work out my problems too. Stars Hollow wasn't home for me, but New York wasn't either . . .  
  
So I got on the ten o'clock bus to Hartford, because I didn't want to be on the same bus as Rory. I'm glad now that her first class was cancelled, because I didn't like the idea of not saying goodbye again. I apologized for not being able to take her to prom, and she didn't look too shocked. I didn't say goodbye though, in fact I didn't even tell her that I was going. I didn't tell her that I'd miss her, though I knew that I would. I didn't tell her that I was sorry, but I was. And I didn't tell her that I loved her, but I was sure that I did. I had to . . .  
  
Jimmy was surprised to see me; he didn't even try to hide it. He also didn't want me there; but unlike last time he didn't want me, this time he was trying to do the right thing. I told him that I was just as messed up as him, and that I needed help, a place to stay. He knew that I was looking for more than a place to sleep, but he also knew that I wasn't looking for something that he couldn't give me. I wasn't looking for a father; I was looking for a chance.  
  
When we got back to his place Sasha had set up the mattress for me, and had tucked a set of sheets and a fluffy comforter on it. I felt compelled to thank her, but she shook her head and lead me into the kitchen where the pizza was waiting. I liked her from the beginning.  
  
So I spent half a year there, fixing some of the problems that I'd gotten myself into. Sasha told me about a skate stand on the boardwalk that was looking for help, so I started working there part time. They let me stay with them, rent free, on the condition that I babysat Lily. So I took the weird kid to school in the mornings, picked her up after school, and watched her until Sasha got home from work at four. Jimmy helped me get enrolled in one of the community colleges and I got my G.E.D. there in October.  
  
When I got my diploma Lily gave me a frame for it. I liked her too. I immediately wanted to call Rory, or uncle Luke, but knew that they didn't need me calling now, disrupting their lives. I had grinned at that thought and called my mother. Liz was happy for me, and told me that she was proud.  
  
I spent Christmas with Jimmy, Sasha and Lily. I bought Lily a bunch of new books, including Howl, The Sun Also Rises, and the Fountainhead. She thought that the Fountainhead was horrible, which made me like her that much more. On January first I left California. They told me that I could stay, but I think maybe I needed to be on my own for a while. Because as much as I enjoyed staying with them, I really wasn't looking for a family, and I wanted Jimmy to get his new beginning with them. I didn't hate my father, how could I resent him for doing the same things that I myself did.  
  
Like Jimmy did before me, I had planned on seeing the country, staying in a few different cities, seeing where I fit in. But first I went to New York to see Liz, because I promised that I'd stop by sometime after Christmas. The taxi ride from JFK was like déjà vu. New York still seemed a bit too looming, too busy, but I found myself being comforted by the street noises, and the thousands of unknown people.  
  
Liz had a new boyfriend, again. And she was making jewelry, selling it at renaissance fairs, always the hippy, and never quite able to grow up. But for the first time I didn't resent her for it, and though I always loved her, I was starting to like her more. She went back to Connecticut for a high school reunion, something that I'd never get to go to. I stayed at our place in New York when she was gone . . . until she called me about my car. Told me that Luke had it locked up in his dad's garage, that it was just sitting there.  
  
I figured that I could use a car on my upcoming road trip, so I caught a bus back there. To Stars Hollow . . . 


End file.
